Avoiding the Double Standard

For Parents to Ponder: Do we imitate Jesus? Really?

Strangely, adults often ask children to do what they are unwilling or unable to do themselves. Let's face it. Saying we love Jesus is easy. Imitating Him is hard. That's because He gave up everything to live and die for others. If we imitate Him, we will find ourselves making hard, self-sacrificing choices, too. 

In this week's story, the disciples left everything to follow Jesus. We are called to do the same. We may not leave fishing businesses, but we are all called to give up finding our worth in what we do. We may not leave our homes, but we are all called to give up finding our security in what we have. We may not leave our families, but we are all called to put our relationship with God ahead of any other human relationship. After all, God says to all of us: “Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.” 1 John 3:18

The fact is, living like Jesus did makes no sense to the human heart. Unless you really trust that Jesus is God with Us. Then it makes perfect sense. If we believe that Jesus is truly the Son of God, who made us and loves us and came to rescue us from Satan's lies that lead to pain and sorrow and death, we will believe that His way, though very different from ours, is better.

So, what keeps us from imitating Jesus in the hard choices of life? Our hearts don't fully believe yet, so we are afraid. Do we know better? Yes. Does that matter? No.

This is good to remember when addressing the behavior of your children. Deep down, whether your kids obey or disobey, they may be acting out of fear. Some may be trying to earn your love or others' approval. Others may be afraid that if they do the right thing, they will just be miserable. Do they know better? Maybe. Would that matter? No.

So what should we do with a kids behavior? Whether good OR bad, remind them that God loves them, no matter what they do. This is true both for the child who has not yet understood or accepted Jesus' offer of salvation and for the one who has. "We love because God loved us first." (1 John 4:10) This explains both why we love God and why we love others. Forgiveness, on the other hand, is not unconditional. It only comes from true repentance. "If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, God is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word is not in us." Still, "the kindness of God leads you to repentance." (Romans 2:4) Before a child can truly repent and turn toward God, they will need to believe that they are loved unconditionally. Because way, way deep down, they know they can't always obey. And that is terrifying.

Talking Points:

When talking to your child about their behavior, be compassionate! Try something like this:

When you see good behavior, do not tie it to your love.

• I saw what you did, and I am glad you did it. 
• You know that I would have loved you just the same if you hadn't done that, right? 
• Do you feel afraid to say that? Don't be. It will not make your kid a hopeless sinner. They already are one. Instead, it will teach them where to go when they need love and truth.
• Isn't it amazing that God loves you even more than I do?!
• If God doesn't love us more when we do good things, why would we do them?
• LISTEN! Is their answer about performance, or love? Jesus says, If you love me, you will obey my commands." That means, "If you love me, obedience is going to happen." It does not mean, "If you love me, prove it or I won't believe you."

When you see ungodly behavior, do not act like it is okay, but do not use your disapproval to get them to stop.

• I saw what you did, and God's Bible teaches us that if we do that, it will hurt us and others. 
• To teach you not to do that anymore, I am going to (insert consequence here).
• Before your consequence, I want to make sure you know that I love you just as much now as I did before you did that. 
• Even during your consequence, I love you. 
• Even if you are angry at me, I love you. 
• Even if you are not sorry, I still love you. 
• Do you feel afraid to say that? See note above. Don't force kids to say the empty, "I'm sorry." Let the Spirit prompt them. Let your love inspire them. 
• Believe that "the kindness of God leads you (and them!) to repentance."
• Isn't it amazing that God loves you even more than I do?!
• Why do you think you disobeyed?

LISTEN! Is their answer about needing to have things their way? God is most important; when we believe that He loves us and knows better than we do, we can give up our way. About what other people think or were doing? God is most important; when we believe that He loves us, we don't put people's opinions before His. About selfish, needy feelings? God's love is really the thing that our heart needs most; when we believe that, we can give up what we think we need.

Please do not think that because I can write this stuff that I am any good at it. Please pray for me as I pray for you! If God is in control, we do not need to control our kids.