Building a Legacy of Grace

For Parents to Ponder: Is our child's obedience TOO important?

You may not know this, but my mom (Donna Harrell) is a pioneer of the idea that children can believe God and be saved. Some of my earliest memories are of her collaborating with other adults on the most creative and genuine ways to bring Grace to the hearts of children. And there is no doubt that my own faith came as a direct result of her unflagging belieft that children can know and love Jesus. Thanks to her, I have no memory of life without Him.

Equally important, I have no memory of a day when I thought my mother didn't love me. I am convinced that before a child will want to obey (you or God), they must believe that they are loved unconditionally.

All too often, though, we parents just want our children to obey! We think, "How can I just get this kid to do what I say?"

Instead, our key question must be: what is keeping my child from wanting to obey? (What is number one in my child's heart right now? What do they love? Where are they placing their faith and hope? What is seated where God should be?)

Another question must follow: What truth can I teach them that–if they believe it–will free them to put God in His rightful place?

After all, teaching our children to obey (us and God) is of secondary importance. We must first teach them to believe! Only when we believe God do we willingly obey Him! In fact, we must make it clear that OBEDIENCE does not save us; FAITH does...as it expresses itself in obedience.

As parents, we can rest in this: God wants our children to obey us. So when God is in His rightful place in their hearts, they will. In fact, I believe that when faith is our priority, we often get obedience. But it does not necessarily work in reverse.

Yesterday, of course, God gave me a chance to put this idea to the test.

I wanted my son to clear some of the Lego clutter off the surfaces in his room. It was simply no longer possible to dust, and he has dust allergies. As soon as I mentioned it, I was met with panic masked by indignant resistance. He clearly LOVED his stuff.

BOOM! Two choices become clear: 

1. pull the authority card, force him to comply, get what I want quickly, expect him to get over it. OR, 
2. empty myself of my right to control, humbly reassure him of my love, teach his heart, pray that he receives the truth. 

I chose the latter. And it cost me dearly, in time and humility and compromise. 

• I had to admit that part of my desire to see his room clean was selfish. (I hate clutter.) 
• I had to admit that even though I have every right to make him do what I want in my home, God wants me to put his needs before my own.
• I had to reassure him that love compelled me to minimize dust in his room.
• I had to explain that parental authority is only needed when a child is being immature or irresponsible. 
• I had to take the time to teach him how not caring about his health or the time it takes me to dust his room is both immature and irresponsible. 
• I had to reassure him repeatedly that I loved him and had his best interest at heart, and that I was willing to find a compromise.
• I even had to mean it.

To gain entry to my son's heart, I had to parent from a place of humility described in Philippians 2:3-4, " Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others."

Once I had reassured his heart of my love, I could challenge it with the truth. I said, "Before we go any further, you need to ask yourself if you LOVE your stuff. Because if you do, this won't go well. Jesus warned people over and over that loving stuff would ruin their hearts and make it impossible for them to obey God." His body language spoke volumes: he covered his eyes, hung his head low. I asked him why he was hiding. He said he didn't know. After a few minutes of quiet, he made some off-the-wall joke, and it was obvious he had decided to turn away from his combative attitude and toward me in cooperation.

That, my fellow parents, is true worship. He let God and His truth be number one in his heart. And he expressed that worship not in heart-felt song or pious prayer. He expressed it in OBEDIENCE. 

I hope this example makes it clear: had I coerced my son, he would have obeyed to avoid punishment, but it would not have been in faith, and it would not have saved his heart from the love of stuff.

At one point in our conversation, my son began to lament what a horrible day he had. He asked, "Why do I always have a terrible day right before we have one of THESE talks?" My answer was immediate: "Because Satan HATES YOU. He knows you are going to be given an opportunity to make God number one in your life, and Satan wants you to be beat down and tired when you get to that moment. But God has given you everything you need to make the right choice, and I am a part of that. I LOVE YOU. And I am on YOUR side. I want you to WIN."

Make no mistake: we have a common enemy. Satan, the Liar, wants parents to believe they must dominate and control their children. He wants children to believe they must rebel and strive for independence. But God wants parents to believe that they must train their children in the tender, patient, gracious ways of God so that our children will be blessed as they submit to us in love. My prayer is that we would ALL be less like Adam and Eve and more like Noah: Let's believe God and express our worship in obedience!

Our Lesson: A New Beginning

Genesis 6-9
Note: Genesis 9:18 begins the story of the day Noah got drunk. While you may want to skip reading this part, you could summarize it. It is essential that our kids not grow up thinking Noah was perfect; that is for God alone!

Also, in the book it has God say, "I won't ever destroy the world again." That is, of course, not true. It should read: "I won't ever destroy the world again with a flood." God IS going to destroy the earth again, this time with fire (see 2 Peter 3). And just as God provided the ark in the days of the flood, God has now provided Jesus in the days before the flood of fire.

Truth about God: God wants to rescue us from sin and death.
Take Home Verse: John 3:36 Anyone who believes in the Son has eternal life. Anyone who says no to the Son will not have life. God's anger remains on him.
Belief Builder: God wants us to believe what the Bible says about Jesus.

Talking Points: Try making your own game of Truth or Lie (see last week's email), using the story of Noah. Or, just talk through the ideas below.

• What truth did Noah have to believe? (That he needed a boat. That it was really going to rain. That God was telling the truth.) 

• How do we know Noah believed God? (He got on the boat!)

• What happened because Noah believed? (He was rescued. He lived.)

• What lies did other people believe? (the opposite)

• How do we know they didn't believe God? (They didn't get on the boat!)

• What would have happened if they had believed? (They would have been rescued. They would have had life, not death.)

May we all cling to the truth in faith!